Saturday, July 7, 2018
As I try to prepare myself for later today I found myself drifting and rocking as so many different emotions wave over me. I don’t know how I am going to look at my cousin in a coffin considering how very alive his presence has been. My hope is that knowing Peter, he will find a way to rise above every voice in the room.
I think back to his younger years, we as kids, and realize he never really changed. He always was a power house and I have no doubt he will remain one for this family. Peter loved toys. He loved and was proud when he achieved something, bought something, and most of all shared something. Some can think of it as showing off. But those that really knew Peter, it was a genuine pride inside him that stemmed from gratitude. He worked hard for the things he had just like his parents did.
Trying to understand someone like Peter after going through what he did on September 11 is impossible. But after quite a few conversations i had with him over the years I was able to get a glimpse. Peter couldn't understand why he was afraid, why he would cry, why would he feel so emotional. We talked about his health, his family and his happiness. Over the years I grew to understand that the greatest thing Peter can be is someone that does for others. I know Peter has a rough side. He was extremely difficult and stubborn at times. But I have replaced those words with complicated, focused and determined. After 9-11 he struggled to find the meaning why he was spared. What to do with this second chance on life. What is the most important thing. Well Peter wanted peace from the nightmare that invaded his every conscious moment. Distraction was his best defense. Many other mental victims from that day turned to drugs and drink. Peter navigated to work. He realized working towards securing a future for his family when he goes was the only thing that made sense and it distracted him slightly from the pain.
Just as in every one of our lives, we pick our battles. Peter chose to fight for his sanity and find his peace in focusing on building a business that he can leave to his family. Me personally might have tried to find that balance of doing this and enjoying the family he was providing for but I didn’t go through what he did. None of us did, except those men at ground zero. I don’t know what it is like to look into the face of a woman begging him to find something to bury of her husband or son ......anything. Digging digging minute by minute hour by hour day after day.... finding only shoes, a watch, and horribly a body part. How in the world can any of us think we know how to act after something like that. Peter found a way to make his extended time here on Earth a chance to be a provider.
My heart ached for my cousin because in his voice i heard confusion and fear. Even the good things that happened in his life were always shadowed by an unworthiness to even be alive. Certain things broke through that. Tina found a way to embrace this man. The Pope found a way to touch his heart. And he was able to feel such happiness. Still by far was he even near being healed from this pain. I can understand the incredible gratitude one feels when you get to see your child graduate, and achieve and grow. To hug your child as they get married. To know your kids are going to be fine! Happiness yes! Gratitude Yes. But not just happy and thankful for the events taking place, happy your alive to see it. And that there is the darkness that creeps in to EVERYTHING!.Always a reminder of the looming death that could have been and that will come. It takes a looong difficult time to get rid of that darkness and I do think Peter was on his way to that place. It’s taken me a loong time to stop worrying 24/7 about the next trip to the doctor. Peter and I shared this fear but I managed it better and I tried to talk to him but he really is a tough guy to break through. Each trip to the doctor brings about the possibility of your world totally changed. Cancer treatments that inflict disability and helplessness. These are things Peter can NEVER be.
Being a religious spiritual man, I look to certain things to find consolation. I wonder, did God intercede and save Peter that day on 9-11? Where we given these extra years with him for so many reason? Did his children learn from him? Did he do his best to teach them what he felt they needed to know. Did he build a business to leave. Did he teach them the importance of endurance, dedication, determination and loyalty. Did he share through not so pleasant and patient ways how pain and suffering can effect a life, a family. Did he leave them a history to pick and choose from his losses and gains how to make there own decisions. Absolutely he did.
My faith is in God. I believe that included with all the choices we make here on Earth is the one to feel the tug of God on our hearts. While I feel sad knowing I don’t get to see and speak with Peter anymore, I am also happy because I know Peter included God in his life. He asked me once to try to explain to him what it was he felt as the Pope passed him while visiting the WTC site. I told him, you're feeling Christ. You’re feeling the Love of Christ that is in all of us. How blessed to be a tough guy like Peter yet cry while God touches him. This is why I believe Peter is at Peace with God. God never left him and Peter knew this. My consolation is knowing Peter had faith in God and as Jesus said, All we need is to have faith and we are saved.
Rest in the Peace of Christ Peter and Tina!
